I Wonder
by newyorkbabe
Summary: Scattered thoughts, Wondering about God. Chapter 7 Focused around my First Day at the Ronald McDonald House!!!
1. General I wonder questions

I wonder:  
  
How am I supposed to be humble and be direct about God to all unbelievers? They are complete opposite words.  
  
Webster defines Humble as: low in condition, rank, or position; lowly; unpretentious; make modest or low in pride  
  
Webster defines Direct as: Straightforward and to the point  
  
I wonder how to be straightforward and modest at the same time.  
  
I wonder:  
  
How can I give all my anxieties and worries to God? I feel as though I must take control of my life or it will take control of me. Therefore, I must try to handle my problems alone.  
  
But than the Bible says, "Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." *1 Peter 5:7* and I have to wonder what that means.  
  
Does it mean: Sit around and pray all day and you will be given everything you need through God? Tell God everything you find you can't handle on your own and he will tell you what to do about it, but you must follow what he is saying in your heart?  
  
I wonder:  
  
If so many people are lost in this world, where is God? Sometimes I can't seem to find him through the war, destruction, and confusion of this world. I wonder, God, are you there? Do you see what is happening down here to your earth and your creatures and your creations? When are you going to make the war end?  
  
But than the Bible says, "War will continue until the end, and desolations have been decreed."*Part of Daniel 9:26*  
  
And I wonder, how could you let your creations destroy the earth? I know you have the power to stop it, so why don't you, dear lord? Why don't you help us?  
  
I wonder:  
  
Why should we, as humans, live by the Ten Commandments? When they were made, the world was so different. There was no divorce, women were not allowed careers, and there was no television, computers, or any really technical devices. The world has changed so much, how can those laws still apply today? Shouldn't the rules be changed to fit the world of today?  
  
But than I realize the world hasn't really changed all that much. There was still lust, still sex and scandal. So how much has the world actually changed?  
  
I wonder these things as I sit here, in my nice, warm home with food, clothes, a computer and blankets to keep me warm even though I know some families are out there in the world freezing to death, starving to death, and even working full days for just one meal. I feel terrible, but I really can't figure out how to help. And people tell me that because I am a Christian; shouldn't I be able to help these people? Won't God help these people?  
  
Here I have to say what my grandfather used to say. "The best players are always on the bleachers."  
  
I am really sick of people mocking Christianity. Really tiered of trying to explain to them that even though I am a Christian, that doesn't mean I am any better than them.  
  
Have you ever seen a flock of geese fly overhead? They are always in a perfect V, so as to know which direction to fly. Year after year they fly this way, leaving every winter and returning every spring. And I'm not sure they know why they are flying this way, it is just their instinct. And as they fly, they don't ever think of wandering off, or of trying to make it by themselves. They just follow, without questioning their leader.  
  
Geese are simple animals, not as complicated as humans. And many may say, "They are birds, they have small brains, how can they doubt?" But why can't humans fly in this way? Why can't we go through life, following God and never wandering or turning from him? God is showing us EXACTLY how to get out of this hell we call earth and go on to a greater eternity. But instead of following him, we all must stop along the way and look around. We all ask, ok, where are we? I know that I can get by in this world by myself, so why am I following you? Let me try to do this alone.  
  
And nobody can. Because even if you have the most successful life imaginable, you can never find Heaven unless you stay with God.  
  
NewYorkBabe  
  
*A/N- I realize this is a bit scattered. It's just what I have been wondering and concluding for the longest time. Why is it so hard to follow God? My whole life has been showing me how it can be hard to follow God. But I always end up coming back to him. Because he's the only one who I know can help me out of all the messes I get myself into. And the truth is, the world is mean. And all I have is faith. And Faith is only faith when it's all you're hanging onto. 


	2. Lost

I wonder how I am supposed to never judge people, and yet still preach constantly about why they are wrong. And I wonder how come people keep telling me the Bible has all the answers when I can't seem to find half of MY questions' answers.  
  
I wonder why so many shows these days are filled with sex and drugs and lust. And I wonder why it takes all that shit to entertain some people these days. Would it make any difference if everyone on earth were Christian? No. Not at all. Non-Christians are not the only ones enjoying this type of entertainment. I myself find it funny sometimes. I just don't understand why almost every successful "adult" show out there has to promote these things.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
I would like to thank 2 of my reviewers, by the way. You will notice I will be using the term "non-Christians" now instead of saying "unbelievers." You both are right, that's a terrible term to use. Shame on me.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
I wonder why I sometimes find myself crying for no reason whatsoever. Does anyone else ever do that? And I feel lost inside, like I'm stuck in this prison I call a spirit and I can't seem to find my way out, no matter how hard I try.  
  
It is at these times only that I find myself finding out how lost I really and truly am. When I was younger, I was immune to hurt, I sometimes think. No, I don't mean the falling-down-and-scraping-your-knee kind of hurting, I mean REAL Deep Hurt, the kind you feel when you wake up to find you've lost something, but you can't figure out what it is.  
  
I sometimes go through the day looking inside of myself and others for whatever it is I've lost, but I can't seem to find it. And chances are I never will. But eventually there will be something or someone to fill the hole, and I move on. Because if I didn't move on, I'd end up like so many teenagers these days, in cults, gangs, or suicides.  
  
I wonder why I've always taken everything people I trusted tell me as fact. And I wonder why the second I did start to question it, it seemed all wrong, like a bunch of puzzle pieces that just don't fit.  
  
I wonder why it took me so long to come up with my current beliefs, and why I still have so many questions about my faith. And I wonder why sometimes when I ask these questions to my fellow Christians, they shrug it off as they say, "The Bible is Truth. You have to believe everything it says or else there is doubt in you, and if there is doubt in you you are a bad Christian."  
  
No, not every Christian believes that. But the ones I talk to all tell me about the same thing. I guess the ones that say that to me think because I am already a Christian it will be easy for me to accept this. And I guess they are surprised when I can't, when I keep looking for the answers. Because truth is, I am not a goose. I can't live that way, even though I sure wish I could.  
  
NewYorkBabe  
  
A/N-Thanks to everyone who has reviewed and special thanks to K2 and Eve for the tip. I'm sorry if I offended anyone. I do realize this is scattered again. Sorry. 


	3. Ultimate Question

I've decided to use this chapter for something other than questions. I've decided to put some of what my life has been like; starting from the day I walked in my house 3 years ago.  
  
My mom and I had gone out..somewhere, but I don't really remember where. Anyway, that's not important. My little 12 year old sister had been at home alone, doing homework and stuff. When I got home she was dead. She had shot herself. You know, a lot of people think that when you are shot in the head it is a nice, neat little hole. No. Her face had everything but exploded. I hope no one ever has to know how hard it is to clean your sister's face off of the walls.  
  
My dad wouldn't go to the funeral. That's the day he left. He went to Kansas, (why Kansas, I don't know.) He started a new life, so he says. Got a new wife, a new little girl and has a son on the way. He's 43, but his wife is 33.  
  
When my brother hit high-school, he got a girl pregnant. She's now seven and a half months through this thing, and they decided to keep her. Don't know why, if I were them, I'd defiantly put her up for adoption.  
  
People tell me my life sounds like a soap-opera, like on T.V. I wish it were, I really do.  
  
But hang on, it gets better. I woke up in the middle of the night a while back. You know when you have a bad dream but you just can't remember for the life of you what it was about? (For my outsiders friends, yeah, like Ponyboy's dreams.) I must've been crying in my dream because my face was wet with tears. I hadn't ever cried about my sister, or my dad, or any of this. At all. So when I woke up that night, I kinda had a mental shut- down, like I just couldn't move and could hardly breathe I was crying so hard. I'm not sure how long I sat crying..could've been 10 minutes, could've been 2 hours..but when I was starting to run out of tears, I looked around.  
  
I thought: Ok, I could kill myself. Right here, right now. And the pain would be gone, forever. But I couldn't do it. I wasn't to that "suicidal point" I guess you could say. It just felt like that would be giving up and that is something I refused to do. What I really wanted was to laugh again, but really be happy while doing so. I wanted to feel free to be me again around my mother, (who's the coolest mom in the whole world and shouldn't have had to go through all this crap) and I wanted to hang-out with friends for no other reason than to be with them, instead of all this, "I don't wanna go home" shit I was using all the time.  
  
I saw my Bible. It was just lying there, on my desk. I remember my mom had been making me go to this Jesus group thing every week, and I had just gone that day, so I had thrown it up there and it just hadn't ever gotten put away.  
  
I decided to try it. Once more, just open it and read to see if all the wisdom everyone told me it had was really there. (Lord knows I needed it!)  
  
I wrote down the verse I read, because it's what got me outta that slump I was in. Philippians 4:4-7  
  
"Rejoice in the Lord always, I will say it again, Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all, the Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."  
  
I decided that my sister's suicide had been HER choice. My dad's "new life" was HIS choice, and my brother's baby was HIS choice. That was what they had done to screw-up THEIR lives.  
  
I had to get through this. First off: I had to forgive God. Than I had to forgive Casey, (little sister), my dad, and my brother. And than, I had to get involved in school and church.  
  
I did that. And it helped. But now still, here I am, doubting God. Here's the ultimate question for you:  
  
I WONDER: If God is really all-loving, why does he let some peoples lives get so damn screwed up?  
  
If anyone can answer that, logically, I'll be impressed.  
  
I'm sorry, this is a ramble. Just ignore this. I probably shouldn't have posted it. I just felt like it might help me a little. Maybe.maybe..  
  
Don't worry about reviewing if you don't want to. Again, just ignore this..  
  
NewYorkBabe A/N- Hmmm, in response to recent reviews: Java- yeah, I've done the whole counseling thing. But what really helps me is writing. K2- Absolutely, if you ever feel like e-mailing me anything at all, feel free. I'd love to "chat one on one" too. 


	4. The Bible

The Bible:  
  
I wonder..what IS the Bible, really? Most tell me it is the Word of God. Others tell me it is an often debated piece of fine history. Some just say it is a flat-out lie. And I have to wonder, is it one of these, or none?  
  
I heard once that the Bible was a book that held good moral values. Values that do indeed enhance ones life, but is more like a good fable than that Word of God. Webster defines the Bible as:  
  
. "The sacred book of Christianity (duh).Any book or writings sacred to any given religion."  
  
I, as many people on this site have said in the past, wonder why I should believe this book above all others. There are SO many books, so many religions out there that think they are right and that I am wrong. Which is right? Is there only one that is right?  
  
While at a friend's house a few months ago, a discussion over this very topic came over the table. An answer came up that maybe it didn't matter as much as everyone seems to think. I wonder if every religion has a certain ring of truth to it. Most believe there is a God, and most believe there is an afterlife. It was proposed that maybe no one was particularly wrong, or right for that matter.  
  
But at the time (and up until about 5 days ago) I was very Christian. When I started writing this I'd hoped to renew the piece of my faith that had been lost, but I'm starting to wonder, was I wrong?  
  
The Bible is, in theory, a book written by men through God. This is what I tried so hard to believe. But I can't help but wonder: Why? If God wanted this book so much for human-kind, why did he leave it up to sinful humans to write it? He could've. So could've Jesus. But he left it up to humans. Most of the Bible was presumably written by people who didn't even know they were writing the Bible. They'd write letters to people, and apparently God later informed other people that those letters were to be part of the Bible and to gather them up. Hmmm..  
  
I wonder why I'm told Jesus was human, so he had to go through the same things other humans do. Jesus walked around his whole life knowing exactly what was going to happen next, never had to think on his feet. If I knew everything that was going to happen and everything people were going to say, I'd have a whole lot more time to think before I say stuff. "Hey, I probably shouldn't say that. That's not too nice."  
  
Most people don't know. And so they have to go on instinct. As many would agree, that's not easy. And sometimes you say things you regret. Jesus might've too, had he ever been in the "I wasn't expecting that comment from that person," position.  
  
I wonder why throughout the Bible there are cases of Jesus asking for the best, and "good, unselfish people" gave it to him. But those people who were greedy didn't. I really have to wonder how come it wasn't wrong of Jesus to always ask for the best, even from families in extreme poverty.  
  
Let's go by the phrase, "Our FATHER who art in heaven" -taken, of course, from the Lord's prayer.  
  
I wonder in what way the word "father" is meant. When I think of being "fatherly," (my own father aside for the time being) I think of someone to teach, guide, and help his children. Is it not an oxymoron for one to say? "Don't be greedy! Give me the best!" Unless we are going by the rule, "do as I say, not as I do," in which case, maybe God could be looked upon as a father.  
  
I find it strange that I started out hoping for God's love to prevail. I'd hoped some of this site's many Christians would be able to give me an answer to some of my questions. One has attempted. But instead of strengthening my faith, it has only been weakened.  
  
When told of my doubting in faith, a close friend of mine commented, "You believe there's no God? You'd better be right!" I also think I've seen that phrase on various Christian items. However, it wasn't until she said that that I realized I had actually switched from wondering ABOUT God to wondering if there WAS a God.  
  
Strange how life works, isn't it?  
  
NewYorkBabe  
  
A/N- Java, how did you know someone would try the whole "free-will" speech? Madam Cleo, watch out!  
  
"Someone"- Don't bother reviewing. Take your stupidity elsewhere. Thanks. 


	5. My Answer

I know it's been a while since I have updated. I have been spending the time I usually spend on here reading on faith. Because I am sick of being confused and I don't want to be anymore. Here's what I've found.  
  
In "I Wonder" Chapter 1 I wondered about war. Why God let it occur, and when he would jump in saying, "Hey, enough is enough."  
  
The Bible, of course, says the war will go on until the end of eternity and "desolations have been decreed." *Daniel 9:26*  
  
But the Bible makes apparent that Heaven is in his hands. So even if the world isn't perfect, Heaven will be. And that's eternity, so what difference do the first 80-or-so years make?  
  
In "I wonder" Chapter 4 I wondered how one could say Jesus had gone through the same things other humans had. I commented that it would be easy for me, too, if I knew everything that would happen and everything people would say before they said it.  
  
I was thinking this one over. Hmmm.. Hard question. But than I thought: Right. Jesus knew everything before it happened. He knew what he would eat next, what people would say to him, and just exactly what to do in every situation. He knew he would be killed brutally and tormented by his own father's creations, the ones he loved.  
  
And it's not like he couldn't have said, "no, I won't do it." He defiantly could've. But he didn't. He knew he would be literally hung on a cross; nails cutting through his flesh and the same people he was dieing to save would cuss him and throw things at him. But he went.  
  
I wouldn't have.  
  
In "I Wonder" Chapter 4 I asked why Jesus always asked for the best, telling people they were greedy if they did not give it to him. I compared him to a father, saying that unless we were going by the "do as I say, not as I do" rule, he couldn't be considered very fatherly.  
  
This was one I struggled finding the answer to. I swear, I read so much of the Bible I thought my head would explode, and I never found an answer. If anyone has an explanation, I'd love to know.  
  
I still wonder how people should know to choose the Bible above all other books. I don't think anyone will ever know the answer.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
THE ULTIMATE QUESTION*********  
  
"If God is really all loving, why does he let peoples lives get so damn screwed up?"  
  
This being my Ultimate Question, it is of course what I focused on answering. I refuse to accept the free-will theory. So I came up with my own theory, using my Bible as a support.  
  
If people's lives didn't get so "damn screwed up," if people were happy all the time, how would we know what being truly happy was? I mean, when you are really happy, isn't that a blessing? And if we were always happy, how would we recognize it?  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
I have chosen my path. I have decided to go back to God, to Jesus, to The Holy Spirit. However I am thankful for this chance to linger on my faith. I have learned a whole lot, though most of what I have learned has nothing to do with my questions..  
  
NewYorkBabe 


	6. In Response

What I have learned:  
  
The number one thing I realized was that the way I was going about spreading Christianity was wrong. I always felt terrible chewing people out for their faith, or lack of it. I know that when people tell me my faith is wrong, I automatically stop listening to that person. I don't want people telling me that if I don't change my faith, I'll be destined for Hell, and I won't tell people that. That's just mean and naïve. Period.  
  
When I was in danger of my faith, the only people who jumped in to help were the non-Christians. The people on this site I most admire are the ones who forgive. I have thanked them already for their kindness.  
  
I will thank them again:  
  
Thanks to K2 and Eve, once again, for having me go back and think about my use of words. Thanks to "someone" for putting an absolute that that must be wrong.  
  
Thanks to Java for having enough patience to listen to me whine, complain and wonder. You Rock, so Never Change!!!!!  
  
Thanks to Elaina, for using kind words in helping me to fix my eyes back on the cross.  
  
Thanks to Harvestboy2001 for helping me realize telling people they are crazy when they are in doubt doesn't help. It's great that you're strong in faith, but try using kinder words, if you could. I really thank you for praying for me. I'll bet that helped.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
In my very first I wonder question; I wondered how to be humble and direct at the same time.  
  
I will NOT judge. That is a promise I make from now until eternity... I will NEVER tell people they are stupid for their personal beliefs, and I refuse to tell them mine are better. No. No. No. I won't do it.  
  
I knew that from the start of my 'wonderings'. I just had to figure out a way to tell others of God without offending them. I concluded...  
  
I will not TELL others of God's love so much as I will SHOW them. I have volunteered at the Ronald McDonald House in my town, and I will be at every school fundraiser and charity event there is. I have joined the SADD club at my school. I promise myself I will smile often, do what I can and show that I care for everyone. I will listen instead of talk. I will offer instead of judge. And I will screw up...a lot.  
  
But if even one single person asks me why I am as happy as I am...how I can laugh during difficult times...I am prepared to say, "Because I have the light of Christ on my side. And with God for me, who can be against me?"  
  
Here, on ff.net, I'm prepared. Anyone who wants to e-mail me in complaint against their lives, in questioning of God, or just as a "Hey, want to be my friend?" I will not judge. I will listen to non-Christians, and never once think I am better than them. Tell me that you already know all about God, and you don't want to hear more about it. Maybe you just want someone to talk to without worrying about God. You ask me not to bring him up, I won't. That is a promise.  
  
To the Christians, if you want someone to help you get back to God, if you ever doubt God's love, e-mail me.  
  
My mission, though, as I said earlier, is to show God's love. That is my know reason for living, that is my faith and my belief.  
  
I thank God, my Shepard, for letting me wander. I thank him also for pulling me back in to his love.  
  
NewYorkBabe 


	7. Ronald McDonald House

Today was my first day at Ronald McDonald House. Wow. The place is practically falling apart, held together only by the tape, which, incidentally, also holds up the children's drawings. Don't get me wrong, it was very clean, just not enough funding for the kids and the buildings upkeep, and the kids come first.  
  
There were so many children there, each one of them needing special attention. But one girl just stood out. She was in a wheelchair, she only had one leg. But the second I walked in she wheeled up to me and stuck her hand out. She couldn't have been more than 5 or 6 years old. She said, "Hi, I'm Faye. Do you want me to show you around?" Just like that, perfect English and a big, bright smile on her face the whole time.  
  
I, not being able to resist such an invitation, greedily agreed and introduced myself as she showed me to a big room. Little kids, sick and unlucky, all met my gaze. Some of them seemed scared. One beautiful, however bald, girl commented on how pretty my hair was.  
  
And if you only could've been there, you'd know why I couldn't resist telling her she was twice as beautiful, with those big blue eyes!  
  
I talked, I played, I wheeled and cleaned and sang. It was work, I'll admit. But I wouldn't change today for the world. When I left, little Faye smiled her smile, which, incidentally, lit up the whole room and said she was happy I would be there. She likes me the best because I don't treat her any different than any other, regular person.  
  
I told her that was funny, because most of the time when I was around her kind of beauty, I was speechless.  
  
And she smiled that smile that lights up the whole room.  
  
But what she said keeps running through my mind.  
  
"I like you bestest 'cause you don't treat me any different than normal people."  
  
Let's learn from Faye, if we can. Let's try to treat everyone the same, because it doesn't have to be only our likenesses that make us friends. It can be just enjoying one another's company.  
  
NewYorkBabe A/N- If anyone is trying to find some way to help other people, try volunteering. It absolutely will warm your heart to help those kids. And what's funny is all they want is a friend, someone to believe in them. And is that not what we all want? We, Christians, atheist, exc. Aren't all that different. 


End file.
